


December 2003

by gothclark



Series: freak4ever - the Journal of Clark Kent [5]
Category: Smallville
Genre: Angst, M/M, Wordcount: 10.000-30.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-21
Updated: 2012-12-21
Packaged: 2017-11-21 22:55:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/602986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothclark/pseuds/gothclark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clark angsts over Lex. What's an alien to do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	December 2003

01 December @ 11:04 am

I went by the mansion last night. I couldn't take it anymore.

When I got there everything was dark, and so silent; like a tomb. I sneaked into the troy room. It holds memories for me already, and they're painful.

I sat in the dark waiting for something. I'm not sure what.

Bruce found me. I think I understand him more now. He surprised me. He was with Lex but not since Lex is still sleeping with Victoria. I hate her, and I hate that Lex is doing this. I saw the pain in Bruce's eyes. He hates it as much as I do.

We bonded over that. He was way more understanding than I thought he would be. I have to admit, I went there in the hopes that I would see Lex, but I'm glad I saw Bruce. I wasn't ready to talk to Lex. I think after talking to Bruce and seeing that there is somebody out there that feels as I do, even though he isn't an alien, I feel much better. That sounds so mean to say that I want Bruce to be like me, and feel like I do.

I told him what I am. He didn't even flinch. He took it in stride. I know he won't say a word to anyone.

He told me about what happened to him when he was a kid. To have seen his parents die right in front of his eyes: I wanted to comfort him, and tell him I was there for him.

After we decided to start over with our friendship I could admit to myself that I find him attractive. I think I was even flirting with him, though I don't think he noticed. Or maybe he did and was too polite to say how lame I was being.

This is fine, since I know for a fact it will never go anywhere. I can still fantasize about him though, which I did last night.

I couldn't help it. I was hard when I got home. I felt a little ashamed until I realized that no one but me needs. I jerked off to thoughts of him kissing me and touching me.

 

02 December @ 10:38 am

I've put off telling mom and dad about what Bruce saw a few weeks ago. I know I shouldn't do that, but it's been so easy to just forget it happened since Bruce won't say a word to anyone.

I guess because Bruce seemed so understanding I let my guard down, and told him what I am. I know I shouldn't have, but I wanted so desperately for somebody to understand where I'm coming from. I wanted Bruce to understand, since he seemed to envy me so much. I wanted somebody else to know, and to see that look of understanding in his or her eyes. Something deep inside told me that he would. It's weird that the thought of telling Lex should terrify me so much, and yet I did this. Maybe it was because of Bruce's reaction. Maybe it was because Bruce isn't close to me, and I didn't feel like I'd lose something if he didn't understand. I'm not sure. I know that when I said it I wasn't really thinking clearly.

I know my dad will freak. I have never just told before. I haven't been able to get it out of my head why I did this.

I don't even know why I suddenly felt like I could say this to him. I guess it was the heat of the moment, and the whole attraction thing. It felt nice to have somebody other than my parents know my secret.

But then I have never been seen by anybody before. I think this is the first time someone saw, and didn't try to kill me. All the others who I had to fight wanted to kill me, which really wasn't connected to my freakiness. It did have to do with what they had become because of exposure to the meteor rocks. I still feel responsible for this every time.

Maybe next time I'll just tell anyone that I'm a meteor freak. I could just shrug my shoulders and hope they can move on.

Writing all this down really helped to clear my head.

I have to bite the bullet and tell mom and dad about Bruce. They might not like what I did but I hope they understand why I chose to do it. Probably not. Dad will never let me tell anybody. I have to own up to my choice though, since this also affects them. Maybe if I ask Bruce to come talk to them, they would get a sense of why. I doubt it. My entire life, dad has drilled it into my head that I have to keep it to myself. He will never understand, and I know he will hate what I have done.

Maybe I should go to mom first, but then she'd just tell dad. No, I have to tell them together, and hope they don't get a meteor rock to overpower me, and lock me up beside the ship.

I could just keep going on and on, but the truth is I screwed up. I shouldn't have told Bruce there was no reason other than my own selfishness.

I feel so guilty now. What if he does say something? I am so stupid, no wonder mom and dad don't let me make my own choices. I am too dumb for that.

I will NEVER tell anybody else ever again. It's just too stressful.

I think I'm panicked here. I have to tell mom and dad what I did right this second. Except I can't. I have gym class soon. I needed to get these feelings down. I ran home during my free period, because I knew mom and dad would be out, to think this through. Now I have run out of time and I have to get back to class before somebody notices that I'm missing.

@ 11:09 am

Lex and I finally talked things through sort of. It was really weird. I just wanted to move on with our friendship and he kept bringing up what happened. I don't want to think about it anymore.

He made his choice and I made mine now we both have to live with it.

I've been doing that a lot lately; making choices. Some of them not so bright, some of them downright stupid. 

The choice I made with Lex hurt, but I know now that I can move on and get past it.

I think he can too.

After we talked, we had pie in the kitchen and that woman he's seeing showed up. I know she lives there, but it was kind of icky to have her right there in my face. And she hit on me! It was confusing. Her attention had an unwanted effect on me. I felt like I was betraying Lex by my reaction.

She made this comment about how Bruce must be tired because of what he and Lex did in bed together. 

I really don't like her at all. She looked like she wanted to eat me alive. YUCK!!! I wanted to remind her that despite the fact that I'm six foot three I am still in high school.

Moving along, in other news I think I'm going to concentrate on Lana some more. Our friendship needs concentrating on. I kind of miss her. I think I'll talk to her today see what she's up to. See if she'd like to do something together.

@ 11:24 pm

I just came back from the mansion. Somebody is trying to scare Victoria away. Not that I fault them for wanting her gone. Chloe and I will have to look into that more.

I caught Victoria snooping in Lex's computer. I can't believe she would do that to him. I have never disliked somebody this much. I had to say something to Lex about what I saw her doing.

I casually told Lex I'm going after Lana even though I know I have no chance. He won't know that. After all, now that he and I are just friends it's not his business what I do, and who I do it with. He encouraged me so I have to take this to mean he's cool with the friendship and those other issues won't come up again. I hope.

I told Lana I'm going to help her with the blood drive. It should give me time to be with her, like I hoped. She really is so pretty. I envy Chloe. It looks like Whitney and Lana are fighting again. Maybe if he doesn't want to do it any more I'll be Lana's fake boyfriend. Then at least I'd get to kiss her.

Mom was really great tonight. She made it look like I'm after Lana in front of my dad. She is just so amazing. I totally love her.

 

03 December @ 09:59 pm

I just came back from Lana's. We organized the blood drive and talked. It was nice, and I was reminded of why I like her so much. She's so amazing. I asked if we could not talk about her boyfriend when she brought him up in conversation. Then we almost kissed. I felt tingly all over when we were so close. But her aunt interrupted. I know she doesn't like me. She practically ordered me to go home.

Lana's aunt and my dad used to date a long time ago. I think she's still bitter about it. Lana said she her aunt whatever happened between my father and her hard. I think it still bothers her that dad ended up with my mom.

I invited Lana to come by tomorrow night to watch the sunset. Maybe if it's just us I'll get the chance to kiss her without interruption. Maybe then I can ask if things are dead with her and Whitney. If they are, I'll broach the subject of her and I doing the fake dating thing.

My mom did the deliveries today since I was busy helping Lana out with the blood drive. It's a great cause, and Whitney wouldn't help her. He's upset about something. Not sure what.

I didn't get to see Lex, which I think at this point is a good thing. I need a few days to clear my head. I thought some more about everything, and I think this really is for the best. 

@ 10:35 pm

I miss Lex so much. I wish we hadn't broken up. I wish he'd tell them to go away. I hate them - I hate them all. Why can't I have him? I know it's not because I'm a freak. He knows how much of a loser I am, and that didn't stop him.

The other night when I went by to talk to him I wanted to kiss him so badly, but I just couldn't do it. It would have felt like I was forcing myself on him.

Why doesn't he love me enough to give up the others for me?

Lana will never love me no matter what I do or say.

I'm not worth loving.

 

04 December @ 10:00 pm

I saved Victoria from drowning. She was in the bath when it happened. 

She's gone now. Lex had her sent to the city until we can figure out who tried to kill her. It was a person, I know that much for sure. Somebody doesn't like her. I know Amy doesn't like her. She said as much.

I had stopped by the mansion tonight to let Lex know that I saw Victoria snooping on his laptop. He told me he already knew. I couldn't believe this. He's not even in love with her, yet he keeps her there, lets her go through his things, and on top of that this girl from school, Amy, has a crush on Lex. I don't blame her. Lex is very easy to crush on. I know this from first hand experience.

Lex didn't need me to tell him any of these things. He already knew it all. He told me Amy has a teenage crush, nothing more. Does he see me that way? I mean maybe all this moving on with Bruce and Victoria is partly because I'm just a teenager.

He's never said this, but what if it's what he thinks? I know I don't understand his world at all. 

Lex told me about this watch he lost. His mom gave it to him before she died. He talked about how she had it specially made just for him. I felt like he was giving me a piece of himself. He looked so open, and honest. My heart went out to him. I wanted to hold him. He sounds so alone.

 

05 December @ 10:01 pm

Loneliness has a color.

Lana showed up for the sunset. I was even late because I was helping Lex out. I know she was just being polite since she reminded me that she's with Chloe. If I didn't have a stomped on heart before this, I do now. I know I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up, but I guess I'm just a glutton for pain of the heartache kind.

I just watched through my telescope as her and Whitney hugged. It seems like everybody around me has somebody except me.

I'm so tired. I just came back from the mansion. Jeff tried to hurt Lex. He was standing up for his sister, Amy, the one who was crushing on Lex. The funny thing is, I know how she feels. I want to be close to him too. She stole his watch, which wasn't cool, but I've stolen things from him too. I guess this makes me no better than her.

I feel so alone right now. Maybe it's meant to be that way.

I have something I need to do, and mom and dad aren't going to be happy. I wouldn't be surprised if they never let me leave the house again. Maybe they'll hide me away after this. I wish they would. I just don't feel like going out there again.

I have to go. Mom is calling. She wants to know how things went at the mansion. She'll be glad to hear that I saved Lex's life again.

And now I take responsibility for my actions.

 

07 December @ 02:00 am

I finally did it. I talked to mom and dad about what happened all those weeks ago when I saved Bruce, and he saw undeniable proof that I am not human. They were not pleased, to say the least. Dad was horrified that I would slip up so badly, and mom was very disappointed. I just sat, and let them blast me. I had no way to defend my actions. I know I screwed up. I know I could have said something else or nothing at all. I shouldn't have told Bruce a thing. He's a stranger in a position of power.

After they sent me to my room, so the two of them could talk about it, I almost exploded with the humiliation and the pain of knowing I had let them down so badly.

I will never do that again. Upon penalty of death, I vow NEVER to tell a living soul about my alien heritage.

Dad gave me his 'disappointed look', the one that hurts to see. 

By the time my mom came up to talk to me about it without dad there, I had drifted off to sleep. She wanted insight. I told her I had hoped Bruce would like me that way. I told her that I found him attractive, and I wanted him to find me attractive. I don't know if she bought it, but there is no way I am going to have her breathing down Lex's neck because I fell for the wrong person.

She told me they still couldn't agree on the right punishment, but that dad thinks I should be punished. I told her the guilt I felt was punishment enough. She smiled, and said we would see.

I'm not afraid that they will do something nasty. I know they won't. The last time they tried to punish me; it didn't quite work out. I'm willing to take whatever punishment they come up with.

I just hope they don't ask for something like that I end my friendship with Lex or Bruce. I don't think that I could do that. Now that Bruce knows what I am, I'd like to see how he behaves around me. He didn't act any differently when we last talked, but was it going through his head. Was he afraid of me, and the things that I can do?

Maybe I could go to him, and it was all just a joke. I think I might do that, since it would be foolish of him to believe in real aliens.

@ 02:02 am

Lana just called. She thought I was going to hurt myself. I mean, I am down but hurt myself. I have never thought of anything like that in my life. I did some stupid stuff growing up, but doesn't everybody.

She was very understanding, and it really cheered me up to know that she cares so much. She took time out from what she was doing in the city with her girlfriend to give me a call.

I think I can safely say that this just makes me care about her more. She's such a nice person. I wish we'd become friends long ago. I'm real happy for her and Chloe. 

The best part is, Lana has kept my secret about Lex despite the fact that it has the potential to come between her and Chloe if it every got out that I confided in Lana before Chloe. I know Chloe, who has been very absent outside of helping me with some of the crazy stuff that has been going on, has backed off for know. I just hope she never finds out. I don't want to hurt either of them.

I think I should consider talking to Chloe about Lex. I'm going to think long and hard about this. Since sometimes I just don't think these things through.

I have so much to think about.

@ 10:45 pm

My dad gave me every single crap job on the farm today.

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME

1\. Death  
2\. Being left behind by everybody I love  
3\. Losing my friends

THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND

1\. Lex  
2\. Prejudice  
3\. Hate

THREE THINGS I'D LIKE TO LEARN

1\. How to play guitar without breaking the strings.  
2\. How to talk to my friends.  
3\. How to do complex math.

THREE THINGS I AM WEARING RIGHT NOW

1\. Blue flannel shirt  
2\. Grey boxers  
3\. Blue jeans

THREE THINGS ON MY DESK

1\. Computer  
2\. Pens  
3\. Broken CD of Remy Zero (it's Pete's. I have to get him a new one)

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE

1\. Make it so mom and dad never have to struggle financially.  
2\. Fall in love  
3\. Go into space

THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY

1\. Shy  
2\. Smart  
3\. Considerate

THREE BAD THINGS ABOUT MY PERSONALITY

1\. Sometimes quick to anger  
2\. Can be thoughtless on occasion.  
3\. I don't think things through all the time.

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE

1\. Adopted  
2\. Farmer  
3\. Alien from outer space

THREE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MY BODY

1\. Hair  
2\. Eyes  
3\. Shoulders

THREE THINGS I DON'T LIKE ABOUT MY BODY

1\. Feet   
2\. Arms  
3\. Face

THREE THINGS MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU

1\. I have low self esteem.  
2\. I eat two slices of pie a day.  
3\. I am terrified that I will never find somebody to be with.

THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST

1\. That's harsh  
2\. I'm sorry  
3\. Mom!

THREE PLACES I WANT TO GO

1\. Africa  
2\. Moon  
3\. Gotham City

THREE NAMES THAT I GO BY

1\. CK  
2\. Clark  
3\. 

 

08 December @ 10:56 pm

I will never learn from lessons that I should.

I went to see Lex tonight. I didn't even know what I wanted to say. Actually, I did but I found I just couldn't say it. I wanted to beg him to take me back, but instead we talked. I told him how lonely I've been. I'm just so bad with words. I couldn't figure out how to say what I wanted to say when I was there with him.

In my head it sounded so good.

He looked so vulnerable, so receptive so I kissed him. I needed to do it. I don't care. I feel like crap about it already. I couldn't loath myself more if I tried.

I told him I loved him just before I kissed him. I told him that some of my happiest moments have been with him. I tried to get him to understand how I feel. How I still feel about him. I feel like I made a total fool out of myself.

After it happened, I wasn't sure what to do. He freaked and wanted to leave but I begged him to stay. We talked a bit longer but not about the kiss. I was too afraid to say anything about it. I was glad he left it alone.

On top of that, because I sneaked out to the mansion to see him, I inevitably got caught. Mom was waiting for me. I told her I went for a run. I shouldn't have snapped at her but I just wasn't in the mood to talk.

 

10 December @ 12:12 am

I had a long talk with mom tonight. I lied again. I told her I went out to see Bruce. She told me I should be careful since he is older. I pointed out it was probably a good idea to stay on his good side.

I wanted to talk to Lex today, but I wasn't sure how. I screwed up last time. He's with somebody else. Two somebodies actually, and I'm sure one of them likes him a lot.

It seems advice is scarce even here.

I think tomorrow I'll just see if he'd like to play pool. That always seemed to work. 

I have lots of homework to do. I better get back to that, since mom is yelling for me to get it done.

 

11 December @ 10:52 am

Yesterday I missed the bus, which I do almost everyday any ways so it's not really a big deal. I had to walk home from school. The interesting thing that happened was I ran into Bruce. He stopped and offered me a ride home. I wanted to tell him what I'd done. He was way cooler about it than I was when he did the same thing.

I felt really uncomfortable, but I also felt like I should come clean. The guilt had been eating at me since Monday.

When we got to my place after a nerve racking but cool talk, my dad was waiting for me since I had to do the deliveries. I introduced them. Dad was really rude, and very brusque with him. He glared at me with his 'we'll talk later' look, which we did, and then told me to go do something. I figured this was so he could talk to Bruce without me hovering. Bruce was really cool. He didn't even blink when my dad practically told him off.

I haven't known Bruce that long, but I really want to get to know him better. He seems like a cool person. Very intense. He reminds me of Lex in the sense that he's an enigma. Something I seem to find attractive.

On a sore not, dad is really frustrated with me. He just doesn't understand at all. Dinner last night was so quiet. I think dad talked to mom about what happened.

I briefly got to see Lex. He was busy when I dropped off the produce. We only talked for a few minutes and he told me not to be a stranger.

I felt comfortable for the first time in a long time around him. He's such a great person. No wonder I'm in love with him.

@ 09:54 pm

I'm hiding in my room tonight since mom and dad are fighting. I can't remember a time when they had such a huge fight. On top of that, dad has been riding me hard today. He's not really being unfair so much as just a big stubborn mule.

School was boring. I still have homework to do. I can't believe how much homework they send home. I mean the holidays are right around the corner. It's just not fair. Plus finals are coming up.

Lana stopped by for help on the math. We concentrated on work so we didn't really talk too much about anything else. Dad was really short with her when he told her it was time to go home.

He lectured me just before I went up to my room. It was really annoying. The only thing I hate is that mom and dad are not talking to each other except if they have to.

So now I hide. I can't hear them yelling anymore. This sucks, and it's my fault.

 

14 December @ 02:16 am

I went for a long walk last night. I couldn't take my parents any more. I hated knowing that they weren't getting along because of me. I wanted to go by the mansion. It was my first instinct. To be honest, it was my only instinct. I was hurting and I wanted to be with somebody who cares about me. Only Lex isn't there for me anymore. At least not in the way that I wish.

He has others in his life. I sit miserable and all I want to do is go over there, and tell Bruce to get lost. Tell Lex he's mine, and right after that, tell him everything about myself so that we can build from there. But he would tell me to leave, and go on hurting him and myself. I should have just stayed with him.

I stopped over at Lana's last night. I just wanted to talk to somebody who knows about Lex. I just wanted somebody to understand. I ended up talking about my mom and dad and how they're fighting. It's my fault that it's happening. When I ask my mom how I can fix it, she just tells me to let her handle dad. She's always in the middle of things. I hate that.

While I was with Lana she sort of got comfortable in my arms. It was purely plutonic. I felt nothing beyond friendship for her at all. But guess what, Chloe showed up right at that moment. It was so late I had no idea she would be there. I felt uncomfortable when she caught us in the hug especially since I had just kissed Lana on the cheek.

Chloe wasn't thrilled. I don't blame her, but at this point, she really has nothing to worry about. I only think of Lana as a friend. It would have been nice if things had worked out. It would have been easier for me.

I went home after and just stayed in my barn loft. Mom and dad where asleep by the time I got home. I'm sure mom is wearing dad down. He almost always gives in to her when things get this bad between them.

I just finished my homework after I spent the day doing farm chores. I used to really enjoy doing them, but now it's just tedious.

The whole day was tedious. I found half the time I itched to run off somewhere far away, and the other half of the time I wanted to be with Lex.

 

15 December @ 12:09 pm

Yesterday I went out with Chloe and Lana. We ended up going bowling. I kind of got competitive, and won every frame, since it was I against them. I don't even know why I did that. I usually let other people win.

I had a lot of fun. I wanted to invite Pete, but he was busy. I didn't want to feel like a third wheel, but it turned out fine.

Afterwards, we went back to Lana's place since her aunt was in the city for the day. One thing led to another, and before I knew it, we were drinking. I said no at first since I have never tried alcohol before. I only had one just to try it. It was just a beer. It did nothing for me. I didn't think it would matter to try just one and it didn't. 

I told Chloe that I'm gay. She wanted to know if it bothered me when her and Lana kiss in front of me. That's when I just said it. I couldn't stop myself. I went on and on about Lex, and what happened leaving out details. It was so embarrassing. When Lana's aunt got home, she threw a fit when she caught us drinking. She yelled at me, and told me to go home, and that she would talk to my mom about my irresponsible behavior. She blamed me for getting Chloe and Lana drunk, claiming that I was a bad influence on them. Chloe and Lana drank more than just one beer each.

I ran out of there as fast as I could. I didn't even contradict what she said. My mom is so not happy and dad: freaked beyond words.

Anyway, I'm hiding out now since it's already all over the school that I got Chloe and Lana drunk and something more than just friendship happened between us. Pete actually believed it. I was so mad at him. He knows I would never do that. Instead, he joked that I got the girls drunk and took advantage of them. I hate how rumors start like that. How the heck did people find out so fast?

I should get back to class. It's so annoying that people who wouldn't give me the time of day are congratulating me on my score with Lana and Chloe.

 

16 December @ 10:52 am

I was never so happy to see a day end. Yesterday was hell. The fight at school, which got me grounded by the way, and the whole taunting just pissed me off. I don't usually get mad over these things. I brush them off, and move on but this time it was about Chloe and Lana so I couldn't just brush it aside.

The best thing to happen to me yesterday was that I got to see Lex. I told him about the drinking and the rumors that had spread. He gave me the advice to go and talk to Chloe, which I did.

The gossip has had a bad effect on my life. I think I hid how much it bothered me well, but I've never been the subject of gossip. I had no idea how to handle it. I mean, I wanted to punch that jerk out for saying what he said about Chloe. He's luck I only pushed him into a locker.

It was so cool to see the look on Lex's face when I told him I'd gotten into a fight at school. It's as if he thinks I don't do normal teen things.

At least he touched me. That was the best part. I can still feel it on my arm. Then we played a game of pool. I only had time for one. I watched him when his back was turned to me. He just looked so good.

It fueled my fantasies last night. Now that I know how it feels to touch him, and be touched by him, my fantasies are so much better. I want him back. NOW!!!

In other news, Pete apologized to me, on the bus ride to school, for believing the rumors. I told him it was cool, but the truth is it hurt to know that he would think that about me. I thought he knew me better. He asked me if there was something I needed to talk about. I told him about going to see Chloe to make sure she was okay. I even suggested that maybe he could talk to her at lunch today. Maybe try to make her feel better, laugh it off. I'm not sure if I should have done that, but he hasn't really been around lately. He's always going straight home, telling me he has things to do for him mom. I think he hasn't gotten over his Jody. I don't blame him. They shared an intimate moment.

The talk with Chloe went well I think. I mostly just held her, and told her stuff like how it would blow over fast. I'm not so sure, but nobody has made lewd comments to me today so maybe the rumor that I'm not such a stud after all is getting around. I hope so because if that would help the girls out, I would gladly be branded a loser. I told Chloe that I'm gay. She was glad I finally told her, and chastised me for not telling her soon. I didn't tell her about Lex. I guess my first instinct is to protect him at all cost.

On the plus side, it's much easier to be near Lex than it has been in awhile. I didn't realize how comfortable things were until after I left. It was almost like before. 

I have to get to class.

@ 08:52 pm

I have never disliked anybody before and I always give people a chance. I find it so annoying and just plain stupid that Whitney the jerk, who still hasn't said sorry for stringing me up in that field, would taunt me about the rumors. They weren't true so what more does he want. It's not enough for him he has to tell me to my face that he knew they couldn't be true since I am probably gay.

I hope Lana breaks his heart into a trillion pieces. Big jerk. Why is everybody being such a jerk to me today?

I feel like all I do here is vent about the bad things in my life. I guess that's what this has become. I'm really sorry. I have nowhere else to go some of the times, and isn't that what a journal is for?

I suppose these are unkind thoughts. I don't know. Just because what he said is true it doesn't give him the right to do that to me. I'm not proud of myself since I had to say something nasty in return about how he's such a man himself that his girlfriend is dating another girl.

 

17 December @ 11:41 pm

I just cannot believe my day. First, the rumors have finally died down. I had lunch with my best friend, and we talked. He said he asked a girl out on a date. I should call after this to see how it went. He seemed like he really wanted to go on the date, but at the same time, I think he was just putting on a brave face. I told him it was great that he was finally moving on. 

We talked about Lana and Whitney. I had to pipe up since he was trying to defend Whitney. I told him about the scarecrow thing. I told how Whitney picked me because he thought I had tried to move in on Lana. He was not impressed, but I made him promise not to say a word to anybody, ever. It wasn't as hard to tell him as I thought it would be. Since it's been a few months, I can put it behind me. It was nice to be able to tell Pete.

Lana and I took Chloe horseback riding. It was her first time. She did pretty well. The only bad thing that happened was when Lana was thrown from her horse. I heard her scream, and when I went to see what was wrong there was this strange man I've never seen before near her. Later on, he told me he was trying to help her, but her aunt wanted me to tell the police he tried to hurt her. I refused. I wasn't about to lie even for Lana.

We got it on tape anyway so there was no reason to charge the man. He didn't do anything wrong. Of course, everybody else was mad at me. After I went to talk to him, I stopped off at the coffee shop to see how Lana was doing. Her FAKE boyfriend taunted me about how if he'd been there he would have done something about the pervert. Big jerk! I wanted to punch his lights out.

At least Lex was there to keep me company. He has this way of putting things in such a succinct manner. I got to talk to him today during deliveries. I told him about telling Chloe about being gay. He was glad that I have friends to confide in. He did say he thinks she suspects that I like him. Chloe's smart. It's hard to lie to her. It was nice to be that close to Lex, and look him in the eye. He looked great. The woman he's with was back in town. She smiled at me on the street. I was polite, and smiled back.

Then later on Whitney did go see that man. Something happened, but I'm not sure what. I have to look into it. The police arrested the man, but he said Whitney attacked him first. I have to find out the truth. It seems weird: off somehow. I mean, why would he insist Whitney attacked him when Whitney claims the guy attacked him first. That made no sense even to me.

ETA: I went off to eat, and call Pete. He did go on the date. They went to see a movie. He said he might ask her out again, and then he told me he was turning in early. He seemed off. I think I'll ask Chloe to talk to him. Maybe he'll talk to her when he won't talk to me.

On another note, at least I'm not grounded any more. My mom keeps a closer eye on me now. This can't be a good thing.

 

18 December @ 11:54 pm

My world has been turned upside-down. We lost the farm! My dad signed it away to a stranger who wants to build factories on the land. I just can't believe my dad would do that. Mom is so angry. I have never seen her this angry with him. He says he can't even remember what happened but he signed the papers. I asked Lex for help, unfortunately he said it's an ironclad sale. Then he went on to say that wouldn't stop him from getting every lawyer on his payroll to break it. I could have kissed him right on the spot.

In other news, Lana is angry with me because I believe Kyle over her FAKE boyfriend. Kyle says Whitney attacked him first and the evidence seems to support Kyle's claim. I hate to fight, but it's such a weird situation. I just can't believe she actually had the nerve to expect me to apologize to her because of all that's happened. I'm not angry her. I just think she's blind to the fact that Whitney isn't really as nice a guy as she'd like to think.

I helped Kyle escape from prison. Actually, he was already escaping when I got there, but the cops shot at him so I helped him. I took him to the mansion. He got shot, and was bleeding all over me. Lex called a friend of his who could help out. I left Kyle at the mansion with Lex.

I wish I could have stayed if only to be near Lex. He looked amazing, but then he always does. I always say that in here don't I? I guess I'm hooked. If I had stayed I would have avoid the uncomfortable run-in with Lana. Sometimes I just don't get her. She just judges Kyle without even finding out what really happened.

Anyway, I was thinking about going over to the mansion again, but I think my mom would notice. I really want to go see Lex. I feel like I should explain myself more to him. Try to get him to understand how I feel. I told him he's the only one I trust, and it's true. I totally trust him. There are things about me that I want to tell him so badly. I want him to know.

I guess I'll just do my homework and get to bed. I could always call him if I really feel like it.

 

19 December @ 09:57 pm

Bullets bruise. I'm in a lot of pain right now. It hurts even to sit here and type this up, but I'm so confused I need to think this through. See it in writing.

Lex shot me today. It wasn't his fault, and I know he never would have done it if he'd been in his right mind, but it still hurts. It hurts physically, which almost never happens, and it hurts emotionally. The look in his eyes when he did it; I get a lump in my throat when I think about it. He looked so overjoyed. It was scary. I'm scared.

I'm at home now safe in my room, and he's back at the mansion probably with Bruce. I doubt he'd go to Victoria about what happened. He was under Rickman's spell. Kyle said that Lex wouldn't remember what happened. Rickman ordered Lex to kill Kyle and me. Unfortunately, thanks to the meteor rocks a handshake turned my best friend into my worst nightmare.

The hate in his eyes - I never forget anything thanks to my perfect memory. I know I won't forget that look any time soon. The accusative tone in his voice, about hiding secrets from him, will stay with me for a long while. But I'm not going to let these things rule me. I know he wasn't in his right mind. I know it's not how he really feels. I also know what I want from him, and I am determined to get it.

I tried to get him to realize what he was doing but nothing I said helped. He told me friendship was a fairytale. He said things I can't forget. I know deep down inside he was under a spell, but the conviction of his words echo in my mind.

I wish I could tell him the truth about me. I wish I could say the words: I'm an alien. It looks so stupid when I write it here. I say it aloud, and it still doesn't seem real. I still wish I could confide. Maybe the hollowness in my chest would disappear.

I'm in too much pain to sit here any more. I want my mom to make it better. I sound like a twelve year-old, but I don't care. I'm going downstairs to ask her to make me some hot chocolate.

I blame this all on the stupid rocks. I hate those rocks. I wish somebody had been smart enough to get rid of them a long time ago. If my mom and dad are smart enough to get rid of them, why isn't the rest of this stupid town smart enough?

I wish I could go see Lex. I hate this town.

 

20 December @ 08:42 pm

Lex stopped by this morning to let us know that the farm was ours again. We talked about friendship, and I moved in close to tell him that I want more from him, but that I'm willing to wait as long as it takes for him to realize we're meant to be together.

My heart was pounding in my chest I was so nervous, but I did it, and I feel so alive right now. I feel like I could take on the world.

He smelled so good. It was great to be so close to him. I wish I could go over there right now, and take him somewhere far away where nobody else would find us. Where I could hold him in my arms, and show him how I feel.

Instead, I have work to do. My dad is very contrite. I made my mom, and dad believe that it was all Lex's doing that we have the farm again. I don't even feel guilty that I lied. After all, they're the ones who taught me how to do it so well.

Lana stopped by to say she didn't want to fight anymore. What ever. I didn't really listen to her since I was still high from thinking about what I was going to say to Lex. I pretended to care as much as I knew she wanted me too, (To be polite too of course.) but I think maybe I need a few days away from her.

 

21 December @ 08:44 am

Last night I spent some time with my friend Pete. He's my best friend and I felt bad that I hadn't been spending much time with him. I didn't even realize how much I missed his friendship until now. Unfortunately, Lana and Whitney were at the coffee shop (it's really the only coffee shop in town so it's difficult to go anywhere else if all you want to do is hang somewhere with that kind of atmosphere.)

I just stopped long enough to say hi to them; since Whitney was glaring so hard at me, I thought he would puncture my skin. It was almost amusing. He was doing it behind Lana's back otherwise I know she would have said something. It was fine. She looked happy, which was nice to see. I'm happy for her. It's so weird, I know things will never progress beyond friendship between Lana and me, but some part of me still wishes it could. I think about all the time I spent dreaming about her, and when I see her now, even knowing what our relationship is, I still feel that longing I felt so long ago. I know I shouldn't since I'm not her type, but I just can't help it. One thing I promised to myself was that I would be as honest here as I possibly could.

On a good note, Pete seems so much better than the last time we talked. He told me he's thinking about going to see Jody some time in the near future. I'm not sure that's such a great idea. It might only make things worse. I'm considering talking him out of it, or maybe going along with him.

I found out this morning that the woman staying with Lex has left for the holidays, and she's not expected back for another few weeks. If Bruce weren't at the mansion, I would throw myself at Lex just so I could be near him, and maybe show him why I belong there with him.

@ 11:22 pm

I asked mom today if I can invite Lex over for Christmas dinner, and she said yes. She said that it was the least we could do after all Lex had done to help us. I told her all about how he immediately offered to help without any hesitation. I am so happy right now!

I also asked if it would be okay for me to invite Bruce. She said it was fine. I feel like celebrating right now. I'll ask Lex tomorrow when I do the deliveries. I know he'll say yes, and if he doesn't, I'll just have to convince him.

I spent most of the day over at Pete's house. I wanted to help them get things ready for their family gathering, and to spend more time with him. He seemed so excited, and talked a mile a minute about everything. It was so great to see him happy.

 

23 December @ 12:21 am

Lex said yes to dinner. I told mom right after Lex left that he accepted the invitation. She immediately started planning. Dad just glared at me and took off in the truck. 

I'm totally excited about it. I've never had Lex over for dinner. It's so cool that my mom is behind it all. She's so cool. I have to help her all day tomorrow. It's going to be a busy day. Plus I still have to get Lex his present. It won't be a truck, but I have something in mind. I hope he likes it.

@ 11:47 pm

I spent all day running errands for my mom. She made more pies than I have ever seen. It was torture to watch them go to other people. I did manage to snag a piece or two of pecan though. I did it behind mom's back, but I guess she'll notice the missing piece. I don't care. I'll take the heat.

I stopped by my friends and dropped everybody's gifts off. I still have to give Lex his gift. He's so hard to buy for. What do you get somebody who has everything? And I mean everything. There is nothing he can't get for himself. Everything I've looked at I can't afford. Every time I thought I found the perfect gift the price tag made it impossible. I got him something, but it's so lame. I hope he likes it.

At least dad is easy to buy for. I got him this funny black tie with dancing cows on it. And mom gets a day at a spa. Dad and I pitched in and got it for her. She really deserves it. She works so hard.

I stopped by the mansion. There were people everywhere, getting it ready for the season. It looks really nice. Security is much tighter. I actually had to check in with the guard when I arrived.

I wanted to spend some time with Lex so we could talk some more.

Maybe my new year's resolution should be to seduce Lex. I'd need help with that, since I have no idea how to do that. I'll have to think about it. Maybe I could ask mom how dad seduced her.

I'm off to eat some more pie.

 

24 December @ 04:09 pm

I spent most of the day over at my best friend's house. His family is so big. He has a lot of brothers, which is cool. We went for a drive after his mom got fed up with us just milling around snagging bites here and there of what ever she happened to be cooking. It was so much fun. Things seem so much more at ease between us. He seemed his old self. After the drive, we played some b-ball then had an afternoon meal. His mom is a great cook.

I can't wait for tomorrow. I hung mistletoe in the hallway. My mom asked whom I expected to kiss under it. I turned bright red of course.

I'm trying to guess what Lex got me. He talks about the time I took him to look at stars. It was one of the most wonderful nights of my life. I know that if it's something connected to that I would totally love it.

Mom needs my help so I have to get going.

 

26 December @ 12:56 am

I just came back from watching Lex jerk off. I stood outside my bedroom door, and watched, with my x-ray vision, as he jerked off. I was so hard, I wanted to jump in and help. He's wearing my t-shirt and pajama bottoms. I'm going to wear them tomorrow night, and I'm not going to wash my sheets. It will be almost as if we're in the same bed.

When I got his gift I couldn't help but think that I wanted to tell Lex that earth doesn't need SETI. I am the ET they're all looking for. 

I still can't believe I kissed Lex. I hate this. I want him back now! My mind is in a whirl. I need to go for a run, but how do I explain that? Bruce, mom, and dad would know but Lex wouldn't. I hate keeping it from him. I hate that he doesn't know the truth. I'm so scared every time I think about telling him all I picture is him telling me he hates me, and that he'll ruin my life forever.

@ 01:00 am

Lex is here right now, asleep in my bed. Only I'm not there. I'm downstairs on the sofa. We're snowed in, believe it or not. Bruce is in the guest room. It's late, but I just can't sleep, knowing he's right above me. I have to sleep on the sofa tonight. I can look through the ceiling and see him from here.

The dinner was great. Bruce was quiet and very polite. I couldn't really tell whether he liked the gift I got him. I gave him a snow globe with a Metropolis skyline so he'd always know he has friends here. 

After the dinner we discovered that we were snowed in. It was very beautiful, but Lex and Bruce had to stay since mom deemed it unsafe for them to drive home. 

When mom and dad went up to fix up the guest room, and Bruce went off, I'm still not sure where, Lex and I exchanged gifts. He got me this amazing Expedition to the Stars Kit.

This is what the box says.

Reach for the stars with these amazing expeditions to the final frontier! Leave the solar system, join the search for extraterrestrial civilizations, and construct a 3D-model of our galactic neighborhood - showing the actual location of the sun and the closest stars within 100 light-years.

Our home galaxy, the Milky Way, is a vast disk-shaped system of 200 to 400 billion stars. The sun is but one of them - located 30,000 light-years away from its center, close to the inner edge of the Orion spiral arm - and was formed about 5 billion years ago out of interstellar gas and dust. Since then it orbited the center of the Milky Way less than 25 times. Mankind evolved on one of the Sun's nine planets during the last one hundredth of the current orbit. Leave the solar system, and find your way among the stars in the solar neighborhood by constructing a 3D-model which shows the actual position of the sun and the 36 brightest stars within 100 light-years. Then join SETI - the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence - and look for radio signals from technical civilizations like ours which might have evolved throughout the Milky Way.

I love the gift and I can't wait to put it together.

I got him a lavender dress shirt with a black tie that has these cheesy purple dollar signs on it. I was kind of embarrassed since I can't afford much, but he seemed to like it, and he even said he'd wear it. 

After we exchanged gifts, I hugged him. It was nice to have him so close. I was hard instantly. Then I heard a sound upstairs and it ended. I pulled away. Lex rushed away from the sofa. Then I stood and turned around, I saw that Lex was standing under the mistletoe. I didn't even think about it. I just went over, and kissed him on the lips. He was so stunned, but he didn't push me away. When it hit me what I was doing, with my mom and dad right upstairs, I freaked.

I have hope though, since he seemed okay with what I did.

 

27 December @ 12:47 am

I went to see Lex. By the time I got to the mansion, I realized I had no reason to be there. I couldn't really explain myself so I just said I wanted to say bye before he left for his trip. It was hard to see him, and know that he was going away. I know it's only a week, but I miss him already.

He told me I could hang out at the mansion if I needed a place to hide out. Maybe I might stop by. I could always hang in the troy room. I really like it. It makes me feel safe.

I told Lex that we are meant to be together. I know more than ever that we are. I just think he needs to know it. I wanted to kiss him, but he seemed closed off so I held back. Part of me feels guilty about Bruce but at the same time Lex is mine. I want him to be mine.

I miss him so much. I spent the day putting that kit together. I smiled the whole time since Lex gave it to me. When I look at it I think of him. It's like he really knows me. Like he sees the true me.

He's so important to me. I find myself thinking about him all the time. I was working with dad in the barn, and I started talking about Lex. Dad was not amused. He asked me to stop talking, and get my ass in gear, since the work wasn't going to do itself. It really annoys me that dad doesn't even give him a chance. After the nice dinner we had I would have thought dad would cool down, but instead he just gets all weird.

@ 09:53 pm

I'm sitting in my room surfing the Internet and eating apple pie. I had a boring day. Everything just seemed so bland compared to other things I could have been doing. I got a note from Bruce today. He thanked me for the gift I gave him. It was a very nice note. I felt guilty for about five seconds over my dreams about Lex until I realized that no matter who he's with, my dreams are my own, and nobody can tell me what I can and can't think.

I had this dream that Lex took me to Europe with him. I dreamt he showed up on my doorstep, and told me had broken it off with Bruce and that he wanted only me. Then suddenly we were on the plane. I got up to do something and when I returned he was gone. I looked everywhere for him. I even started to tear up the plane trying to find him, but he was gone.

 

29 December @ 01:05 am

I spent most of the day either cleaning or hanging with Pete. We didn't really do much except play some basketball, and talk about Jody. He's determined to go see her. I told him he needs to be careful, but he insists on going. He said his brother is going to take him.

I called Lex again, and got his answering service again. He's not picking up, and maybe it's because he knows it's me. I don't want to jump to the wrong conclusions, but he must know I called. I told him what I did, and I told him I couldn't wait to talk to him when he gets back.

I went to the mansion today to ask the cook if they still want me to deliver the Monday order. Nobody was around but they left a note. I'm to deliver as always. Since nobody was there I stayed for a while. It was nice to be in his office, to see his things. He left his laptop here, but I couldn't get into it since I didn't know what the password is. 

I am so tired tonight. I don't usually get tired, but for some reason I am.

@ 10:59 pm

It's been too busy a day. First I meet Lex's new head of security, Mr. K. He was waiting for me when I did today's delivery. He seems nice and dedicated to making sure Lex stays safe. I'm glad. It seems like Lex is attacked way too often for my taste. He's still away of course, so I called him again. He still didn't answer his phone. I guess it's because it's really late over there.

Anyway, I overheard this person talking about doing something to Lex's so I investigated. He attacked Mr. K, but I got there in time to stop him, but not before he got in a good punch or two. The person was really strong. It smarted when he hit me.

The weirdest thing happened. We took the fight outside, and bats attacked me. It was so strange. I'm not sure why they did it. They managed to cut me a little, and tear my t-shirt, but other than that, I'm fine. They flew away once I knocked the person out.

I had to make sure Mr. K was okay so after they took the man away, I stayed at the mansion for a while. He asked me questions about what happened outside, and then told me to get home. I lost another t-shirt, which sucked since it was one of my favorites.

It's really funny because Mr. K calls Lex by his last name, and he doesn't look much older than him. In fact he's kind of young. I just hope he really can make sure Lex is taken care of.

 

30 December @ 08:54 pm

I should start making stuff up. My life is so not exciting. Especially today. The year ends quietly with me at home. I've been invited to Chloe's house for New Years Eve. I called Pete and begged him to come with me. He wasn't up for it, but I convinced him he needed to get out. I asked if anything happened but he told me he didn't want to talk about it. I'll try to talk to him tomorrow night. Chloe sounds excited about the party. When I asked if we would be drinking again she promised not to get me in trouble.

I called Lex again. He wasn't there. I really miss him. I went to return the shirt Mr. K loaned me last night. I thought it was Lex's but it turns out it was Bruce's shirt. We're the same size it seems.

I stayed in today since there was so much work around the farm. Dad wants to make sure everything is in order for what I have no idea. He won't tell me. He's probably just making stuff up just so I won't be a lazy bum.

 

31 December @ 07:00 pm

I worked hard today so I'm really looking forward to just relaxing with my friends. Mr. K stopped by to check on me. He's really nice. I'm surprised Mr. Luthor hired somebody nice. The way Lex talks it always seems like his dad has ulterior motives for everything he does.

It's cool that Lex will have somebody close to his age over there to relate to. I plan on calling Lex at midnight since I have nobody to kiss when the clock strikes. Not that I ever have. Except my mom of course, but she doesn't really count since it's always a kiss on the cheek.

I did the deliveries as early as I could today because of the party I'm going to. When I delivered to the mansion Mr. K was waiting again. I didn't have to sign in and get a pass since he said I could come by any time. I asked if he was spending the tonight alone working, and he said he wouldn't be alone so that's cool. I hate to think of anybody alone on New Years Eve. Pete is coming to pick me up soon so I have to go. He's driving us to Chloe's house. I hope he has a good time. I don't want to push him into something he really isn't into but at the same time I don't want him to be alone tonight.

I have to go get ready for the party. I think tonight I'll dress up nice just because it would be a nice change.


End file.
